I made a commitment when I re-launched this blog that I would not put posts off until they were perfect. Here’s what I mean: I’ve been writing this post in my head for the last month or so, but I’ve been trying to make sure I think through everything I want to say and not leave anything out, that everything is thoroughly thought through, and I have perfect bows for all my points. Eww! Enough of that. So, I’ve grabbed my laptop, and I’m spilling it out whether it’s all encompassing or not.

A few months ago, I was walking & praying, asking the Lord about some things. In that moment, I heard {felt} in my spirit, “Carmen, savor this.” You see, most of my life I’ve lived in two modes. Looking behind, feeling like my best days were in the rearview mirror. Or looking ahead, feeling like life would start after XYZ happened. I’ve always struggled with savoring the present moment.

Looking Back.

For me, my “Camelot” years were when the girls were young. This was the time that was the mountain top. I really battled internally when I became an empty nester. I didn’t know what “Carmen with no kids at home” looked like. I was certain I had lived my best years. Oh the finger pointing {and finger-shaking} I gave myself for not “savoring” the moments when they were little! For always trying to just get through the day, the summer, the school year. It is true when they say the days are long, but the years are short.

Looking Ahead.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “Oh, we can do XYZ once “X” happens.” The list is ridiculously long.

• When we buy a house.
• When the baby gets here.
• When we move.
• When we get through this.
• When I lose weight.

My “not quite, but almost utopian” years were always just around the corner. The time where we could start living because then I would be 15 pounds lighter, or we would have an appropriate guest room, or we would have this job, or that raise.

Not on purpose, I don’t think, but this was my mindset and natural thought pattern for so many years. It was just part of my personality, I suppose. But then somewhere along the way, probably when Abbey was in high school and I downloaded an App that told you how many weekends you had left with your child, I had a shift in my thinking and really started being more present in the moment. Hear me say, it was a DRAMATIC SHIFT, and I almost resisted planning anything for the future! I was all about right here, right now, today.

Right Here. Right Now.

And now, I’m ready to “level up.” This past year has been a transition year for me, to say the least. Lots of change and new responsibilities. There were times during the year, where I looked back longingly, wanting things to return to the way they were. And then I found myself saying, “After XYZ happens, then it’ll be ok.” I’ve not been fully present this year. In all honesty, I’ve even lived a good bit of this year dealing with fears. I’ve filled many a journal page naming each of them and praying against them. For sure, I’m fighting to return to my “right here, right now, today” mode. And I’m getting there, praise the Lord! But I don’t want to stop there. I want to not only be in the moment, but I want to SAVOR the moment! I want to be fully present, hearing it all, smelling it all, feeling it all, embracing it all, and savoring it all!

I feel like the Lord has given me this word, for this season in my life. As a matter of fact, I think I already have my motto for 2020: SAVOR THIS.

Yes, Lord, I am. And I will.